Samantha Black (2)

     I don't know what came over me that day. I used to be an ordinary recruit, a scared kid that was determined to look tougher than she actually was. But I changed. Commander O'Connor said that fighting in a war would do that. He warned us about how killing people and fearing for our own lives could warp the central core of who we were. He was right, because now, I'm not afraid of anything, and I'm so tough that killing a person doesn't faze me--I just feel numb. I guess the apathy that comes with the numbness was what the Commander was worried about, but, to be honest, when I stopped feeling anything, I was relieved. Finally, all this weight was off of my shoulders. Finally, I didn't have to be afraid of or feel weighed down by my past. And my past was what I was trying to get away from.

       Why did the Commander keep trying to help me during training, even when I refused? Why did he try to help every recruit? It's almost like Commander O'Connor wanted to keep us soft. I mean, I guess making us care makes us more loyal. He made sure that the recruits were like family, and the first time I killed someone face-to-face was to protect a fellow recruit. But although the Commander seems tough when we're in public, among the recruits, he's a bit soft. With the new focus on the Airforce, why would the Board have someone like that training the new recruits? Maybe they didn't know. 

     Anyway, either way, someone like Commander O'Connor doesn't have any control over me now. I need to stop worrying about why he was--and still is--so concerned. I'm not a recruit anymore; I have my own ship, my own crew, so I don't have to listen to him. I get to be numb, and President Stein gets his campaign-winning, patriotic fighting machine. I'm not listening to him.